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Saturday, May 10th, 2003
3:46 pm - HE FUCKIN BEAT ME UP!!!!!!!!!
DEREK AND JOHNNY FUCKIN BEAT ME UP

current mood: irate

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Monday, February 25th, 2002
2:08 pm - Did you actually think I'd disappear????
Greetings Metal Fans....... tisk tisk tisk..... noone is friends with anyone they used to be, not even me.
Here's what you missed......
Uummmmmm I think we left off in july...... it's now Febuary again and all I seem to think about is what I was doing this time last year. Don't be mistaken, I DO NOT MISS THE DRAMA but I do miss the music and the good times I had with all you guys. (just not enough to get in the middle of sum drama). Okay, August, went back to school, same shit here everyday, didn't do much hung out around the house for a while, if you sit in the same place long enough trouble will come to you. Uuuummmmm, met Dallas who used to live with John Linville (who is the only man I trust other than GOD) Party Party Party!
September, Party Party Drama, met Lori and Chad..... no good, met Lisa and JR, met a whole bunch of cluckers. Fucking crack-heads. met Josh, got interested. My mom turned 38 Tyler went back to my moms........ not much else to that month. I think that was the month Dustin got hit in the eye with a pole and Brandon went to jail. I don't think he's gonna get out soon but there is rumor to it.
October, Court, all hallows eve, Halloween, Lots of fun saw some people I hadn't seen in a long while and fortunatly won't see again for a long while. Chad and Lori broke up, Lori started seeing Josh while I was still interested, so I put the fear of my foot in her ass. She almost made me beat her ass at John's but first off it's John's house and second she was hiding behind him..... I would had hit her if she hadn't pulled him between us. Needless to say not interested anymore.
November, called a stupid chat line for the first time and met Hubert, unfortunatly, but with him I also met Derek very fortunaty. Finally turned 16 (hehehehe sorry if anyone didn't know that) stop hanging out over at John's to spend more time with Derek. Lovey dovey peachy keen, waited a while and finally had my first orgasm. took long enough right? finally got use to being nice to my real mother after she got out of Jail and got her shit back together. I met Dereks mom and sister as well.
December, stayed in the house a lot with Derek, went to chicago for a weekend , saw all the buildings and took some nice pictures, made love for the first time unstead of lust.... its so strange how things like that stand out in a lifetime full of memories. I met Dereks Dad and whent to Christmas dinner with them. I also had Christ mas dinner with his mothers side too, and he in turn met my family and came to Christmas dinner at grandma's. I invited John and Kyle over to see where I was spending all my time. Derek and I throw our first part with both of our friends there.
January, new years, loddy doddy we likes to party,yea right ya'll already know it was a boring ass month. Other than Derek's sister pullin some crazy shit, and me having my cousin and josh from school come over and hang out all Derek and I did was argue and make up.
Febuary, nothings going on this monthe if you wanna read as it happened it's all on my other journal. lj username: Badgirlinside


current mood: bored

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Friday, June 15th, 2001
3:13 am - well leave me the fuck alone
i got a new lj to get away from the assholes who leave anonymous bullshit on my lj so if you don't like me i don't care but keep your bullshit to yourself and off my lj. and if you are really as daring as you think you are tell me your name and we can handle it vilently. well have a good day and if your not my friend stay the fuck out of my business and my life.

current mood: annoyed

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Friday, June 8th, 2001
10:47 am - so you think you know your friend.....
well nick jessica never liked you and she only dated you becuase she felt sorry for you. sorry

kristy your sister and jessica have both been known to call you a clothing theif.

john can't stand you kristy

kristy if chris was giving you a back massage then why were you laying in the spoon position with him rubbing his dick all on you and i didn't see you moving so i guess you liked it.

nick you are a liech on everyone noone can stand you becuase they've all told me that you are an annoying asshole. its that funny all along you thought these were you're friends. and i think your mother said it best when she said "i can't stand the person you've become"

kristy brett didn't want you because you fucked his best friend even though you swear you didn't we all know how well you tell the truth.

jessica i admit i should have told you sooner but kristy was suppose to be your best friend so look around and estimate who is really there for you and whos there to use you

corey its bad that you would cheat on th women you love but then lie to her about it and then you still got caught from kristy.

GHKHGKDHFO8TNHKFJHGOHHJHKJFHGKHKHO8UAROIJLKJBVLKHDSKJHIUHSIKR7YTKJHNJKNHKKJLHFIDUFHKRJKURHTKJHKUHFKDLJHGKJSHKLTYHLIUYKJHBILHKJBSHJBIULHOIVJKHKJGHJSHKJHVLKJHVLKJH YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T TSLK SHIT BEHIND PEOPLES BACK AND NICK AS FOR YOU YOU STAY OUT OF IT OR DEAL WITH CHRIS BECAUSE AS MUCH AS KRISTY MIGHT THINK SHE CAN IF I TELL CHRIS TO KICK YOUR ASS AND SHE TELLS HIM NOT TO HES GOING TO LISTEN TO ME

current mood: pissed off

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Thursday, June 7th, 2001
1:27 am - who occupation age thing they say and how many times
well here it is


john "liar" 21 "asshole" "right on" 4 times



jason "dealer" 18 "sweetheart" "go get 'em girl"
god only knows



mario "dealer" 17 "lets go get fucked up girl" ummm 3 i think



brandon "i think construction now" 17 "it's my birthday" ummmmm a lot




mike "jail" 19 "why not?" about 4 times




charlie "comp programer" 18 "i am not jewish" 1 time




nick "mickey ds or some shit" 16 ------ ummm once lol



eric "rapist" 22 "umm i guess its ok shes passed out in my front seat" 1 time



kristy smith "i have no clue" 19 " yeeeaaaaa babbbbbbbyyyyyy" 1 time




shaun calvin "wood cutter i think" 18 "parrrrrrttttttttttyyyyyyyyyy" 1/2 a time



derek "drummer" 18 ?????? 15 minutes



spoon "drummer" 17 ????? ummm once



and chancy ? 18 ? 1 time

current mood: awake

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Wednesday, June 6th, 2001
4:58 pm - IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME.....
DON'T TALK TO ME OR ABOUT ME CUASE UR BULLSHIT ISN'T WORTH MY LIFE I WISH I WOULD HAVE DIED YESTERDAY THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE

current mood: HOPELESS

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12:48 am - MY ADVENTURE TO THE HOSPITAL
WELL ABOUT 5 TODAY I DECIDED TO TAKE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF NEUROTIN AND I RAN OFF SO I COULD DIE. KYLE FOUND ME AND DAVID CALLED 911, SO THE FUCKING AMBULANCE CAME AND GOT ME. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
WELL I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEY ASKED ME ALL KINDS OF QUESTIONS AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. THEN THEY STUCK A BIG ASS NEEDLE IN MY ARM. WHEN I GOT TO METHODIST THE DRAGED ME IN AND PUT A FUCKIN BRACLET ON ME. WELL I LAID IN BED FOR A WHOLE 30SEC BEFOR THEY CAME IN THERE AND PUT A HEART MONITER ON ME AND THEN STUCK THESE LITTLE TABS ALL OVER MY CHEST. THEY MADE ME DRINK CHARCOAL AND THEN I WASN'T ALLOWED TO EAT THAT SUX IF I EVER TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE AGAIN IT WON'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT.

current mood: lonely

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Tuesday, June 5th, 2001
4:12 pm - KRISTY YOU FAT PREGNANT SLUT
LOOK HERE YOU DIRTY BITCH I THINK AS IT ALL GOES YOU SHOULDN'T BE TRYING TO FUCK EVERYONES MAN. YEA SEE IF I WERE A WHORE I WOULD BE PREGNANT YEA LIKE YOU ARE AND SO I'VE HAD SEX WITH SOME PEOPLE YOU USE TO FUCK JOHN 2 3 TIMES A DAY THEN DO THE SAME WITH DWITE THE NEXT (IN THE WOODS)NOW HOW DIRTY IS THAT WHILE THEY BOTH HAD GIRLS AND DIDN'T WANT YOU CUASE UR NASTY. AND THEN WHAT DID YOU DO YOU FUCKED SOME 14 YEAR OLD GOOD IDEA SLUT AND YOU SHOULD TRY TO THINK OUT YOUR LIES BETTER BEFORE YOU TELL THEM BECAUSE UR ALL CAUGHT UP. AND IF YOU WERE ANY KIND OF FRIEND TO JESSICA YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD HER 6 FUCKING MONTHS AGO THAT WE KISSED AND KNOW WHAT WE DIDN'T FUCK BUT IM SURPRISE YOU AND HIM DIDN'T SINCE UR N2 FUCKING EVERYONES BOYFRIEND DO YOU KNOW WHY EDDY IS WITH YOU CAUSE YOUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSS A HHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEE AND YOU JUST PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY ARE YOU SURE ITS HIS OF IS IT FROM SOME HOBO ON MARTIN LUTHUR KING? YEA SO U WERE TRYIN TO FUCK CHRIS CAUSE YOU LOVE EDDY RIGHT AND YOU WERE SO IN LOVE WITH JOHN YOU FUCKED DWITE AND YOU WERE SO IN LOVE WITH DWITE YOU FUCKED JOHN. AND IF IM SO NASTY WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE IN THE STATE IS AFRAID OF UR UNDERWEAR. NASTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BITCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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Monday, June 4th, 2001
4:17 pm - im a godess on my knees
well here it goes again cuz i just typed this and got booted just as i finished it. well, my mistery man came over last night and things were so nice. he sat in the living room and spoke with my mom for like 2 hours while i cleaned the dirty ass kitchen. i haven't been taking my medician lately and i had a series of episoids last night. i locked my self in the car and mom came out there and dragged me out. i guess when i get pissed off i don't knoe how to shut up cause i kept screaming at her "You're being an ASS." obviously she didn't appreciate that. well after i got out of the car i came in the house and locked myself in the bathroom. my emotions were all fucked up she came to the door and said "we had an agreement if i let people stay with you you show me respect." and i started yelling about i wasn't being disrespectful. i know now i was but you know when your pissed off you always think you're right. well i did eventually say i was sorry. about him now..... hes soooo great. i think that everything is so perfect about him. the things that bother him about himself i appreciate. hes beautiful. he has these amasing eyes they're kind of blueish grey. there are these little wonderful things about him that i notice, like the cute little faces that he makes during sex, him being my fuzzy, and the cute noises he makes while hes playing with the light thingy while i make the bed. he doesn't make me unhappy at all in anyway. he makes me smile and he tells me things that i don't think he tells many people. he tells me he likes my little imperfections and even if its a lie i thikn the fact that he said it is enough for me. he's my fuzzy. i know i will loose him and i know that it will hurt i mean im 15 soooo.... i know that no matter how far away he gets and how long its been since i've seen him i know that he will always have a big part of my heart. i don't know if i mean so much to him but i know what he means to me. if i could only show him what he means to me........ i know these little things about him that make me love him. i love everything from his talent down to the fuzz in his snore. *smiles* mom doesn't understand it all but i don't either so.... we told each other "i love you" like million times last night and when it was all said and done i still feel the same. well im off here chatter box it later

current mood: loved

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Saturday, June 2nd, 2001
8:33 pm - ummmm well im not going to say who this is about but they know
i do love this person a whole lot but i really fucked up. i know i did and thats all i can think about. he means so much to me and i fucked up so bad. *takes a drag off cigarette* i know what i did was wrong.... i am so sorry *cries* i know my appologies may not mean any thing to you but i want you to know i love you and i would give up anything for you you name it its gone. i am so stupid... i acually thought that telling him the truth about this whole situation would make it easier and that if i had lied it would only cause more problems i guess the right thing to do isn't tell the truth look where it gets you. i want you to know i love you and that the thing last night has nothing to do with me and you it had to do with drugs and a guy who tried to kill me.

current mood: scared

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Thursday, May 31st, 2001
11:18 pm - some thoughts for those who love me
i stand here b4 u all alone
with my arms open wide
i love you more that you will ever know
but u'll never see it pasted ur pride
i allow my self to care about you
and you make me feel alone
and i know u'll never see my love
with that heart made of stone
you can say u care about me
but still do all those things
but for the love u give to me
pain is all it brings
u'll leave me soon
and my heart will break
and fall to small drops
that never quiet form a lake
my wrists r out and u
u have the knife
so cut arcoss or up and down
but i want you to take my life
life here is so like hell
and the longer i stay
the more my mind
the more my body will pay
i want ur love
i need you as a part of me
but somehow through all this shit
i guess u can't see
i may not be perfect
hell i may just be the same dawn
but i think that u should see
whats really going on
if take a man into my heart
and hold him like i will
that he should be suprised
and love me still

current mood: hopeless

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6:47 pm - evrything sux again
everything sux again
well those r harsh word my friend
just me tell some things never change
just tell me we're 2000
everything sux again
go back to sleep my good friends
you don't think they'd ever let us down
you don't think that we'd remember
everything sux again
but don't let it get you my friends
just tell me its the first time
no tomagotchi headlines
everything sux again
but then what the hell would i know
its just millinial demension
just my stupid magazine
got nothing to say
got nothing to do
got nothing to take
got nothing to loose
theres nothin we like
theres nothin we like
and theres nothing we need
you got nothing to say
you got nothing to say
cause i tell you everything sux sux sux sux sux
everything sux again
well these are darks days my friend
just tell me all those pretty lies
pretect me from the down side
everything sux again
we'll play on happy to the end
i'll be plain and kind
no contributions this time
got nothing to say
got nothing to do
got nothing to take
got nothing to loose
theres nothin we like
theres nothin we like
and theres nothing we need
you got nothing to say
you got nothing to say
cause i tell you everything sux
don't let it get you down
cause we'll put it back the next time
well just don't let it get you down
everything sux again
well those r harsh words my friend
just tell me some thing never change
just tell me we're 2000
got nothing to say
got nothing to do
got nothing to take
got nothing to loose
theres nothin we like
theres nothin we like
and theres nothing we need
you got nothing to say
you got nothing to say
cause i tell you everything sux
got nothing to say
got nothing to say
got nothing to do
got nothing to take
got nothing to take
got nothing to loose
theres nothin we like
theres nothin we like
and theres nothing we need
you got nothing to say
you got nothing to say
cause i tell you everything sux sux sux sux sux

current mood: stressed

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8:44 am - goodbye good friends of indy.......
WOW FUCKIN WOW i mean thats really all you can say about last night FUCKIN WOW. well i personally had a great time and i think that even though it was soooooooo hot in there it was worth ten times as much to see my favorite band play their last local show. wow that still sound funny even though its the second time we've all been through this. its hard to believe that they are going away and its even harder for the people who knew them for more than a band but for the people they are. wow friend and family up in this bitch.well im going to miss them even if that makes me a sheep..... IIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN SSSSHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP LOL anyways its now about 8:50 maybe 9 in the fucking morning and i wouldn't be awake if it weren't for my retarded foster mother who called here and was like you have to be at school in an hour at 7 this morning. what kind of retard is she?
im going to miss pn soooooooooooooooooo much and i hate for them to go but i guess we all have to share them with the rest of the world.... wait fuck the rest of the world indy's better than that shit..... stay pn stayyyyyyy. oh well i think im going to have another go at getting some fucking sleep. goodnight ya'll

current mood: drained

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Wednesday, May 30th, 2001
1:31 am
i know what i know

current mood: loved

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Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
4:01 pm - love sex and the lies that fuck it all up.
well i guess i give up on love because somehow i always love the wrong person. like the last million times i was interested in a guy it was all too fucked up. either they have a girlfriend, don't like me or im bound to loose them as soon as i feel the slightest bit of happyness. somehow in my life i am attracted to the worst kind of men, it doesn't make any sence! I thought i loved brent and see where that got me...... nowhere. i loved jason and where did that get me...... here away from him. i thought i loved kevin and where did that get me...... when i thought i lost him to jen i cried so hard i got sick and i didn't leave my bed for 2 days. *sigh* i know how it feels to love someone so much i'd give anything and everything for them an d being there is so wonderful while you still have them but as i well know i cannot expect to hold on to anything i love because some how in some way i alway loose them everytime. if anyone wants my advise, stay tru to the one you love and maybe they will be yours in the long run but if you like me and you always fuck EVERYTHING up give up....... for people like me its hopeless. as for the men in my life right now i am surprised that any of you are interested in such a hopeless cause.
I think it's absolutly amazing how sex can turn from one thing into a completely differant thing. somehow when you're with someone just a few things can change the way you look at a person all together. I dunno it may be that little twinkle in their eyes or the warmth of their chest against you back while they are holding you but there are strange things that happen during the before and after sex events.
I think another big part of the whole dating scheme is the thing people say to get each other in bed its really rediculous. A huge problem with dating these days, as a girl, is knowing wether or not to believe the things the guy you're with says. Anyone can say I love you but how many guys say it before sex and acually mean it. After being told I love you so many times you start to think all men are liars and though some are you can't just say fuck it I'm a lesbian. I don't know wether its better to have someone for a momment for the wrong reasons or to stay alone forever for the right ones. I would hate to be alone at all. I know i've got family but what good does that do you when you want to have that special someone in your arms..... none. I wish dating as a teenage girl weren't so damn hard and i think i'm gonna loose it.

current mood: confused

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Monday, May 28th, 2001
3:01 pm - crrrraaaaaazzzzzyyyy over the rainbow, i am craaaaazzzyyy, bars on the windows!
Well life this weekend was to say the least interesting, Friday night i had a friend over and we hung out for a while and that was fun. Saturday was ok i guess, i went to mayday and saw all the really cool bands play except for staind cuz im a wienie. i had a lot of fun running around as the devil all except for a few smart ass chicks who almost got hit. i saw kasper there with her girl and snocone was there with some really hot chick. Daddy was really fun we kind of had all the same problems other than the bitches. Well i crowd surfed for the first time and got my fish net pantyhose torn but thats okay. i ran into nick from pupil there. i ran into eric the guy from steeltrap there and i guess he was with his girlfriend. she alright looking. then comes sunday which was odd cuz i saw nick not the nick but this new guy in my life nick and i was all sick and fucked up looking. hes really cute but hes really rich and i don't know what to do with him ohhhh wellllllll. oh yea i saw the movie "pink floyd's the wall" and i loved it! yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

current mood: happy

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Friday, May 25th, 2001
12:55 pm - speratic thoughts
love
sex
men
lies
BULLSHIT
money
ring
jason
heart
brian
sex
lies
alone
depression
help
sad
life
death
blood
cuts
sick
pills
drugs
crack
mommy
daddy
beat
pain
suicide
death
happiness
hell
forgivness
unforgiving
aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *deep breath* oh well

current mood: crazy

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Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
3:24 pm - She has on Kristy's sweater!
Well Kristy you were right about Rachel, she's sitting next to me wearing your sweater. I'm sorry, I know I will run into her again probly do you want me to do something about it or do you wanna do it yourself? It's the big grey abercrombie sweater. Well, today really hasn't been all that interesting, I went to therapy and Dave stayed with mom last night. I want to go home and I can't cause I just got here, this suxxx.
Well, here is what I have left to take care of: I need to finish my finals for Mr. Stults, I need to make up my missed health class and I need to make up some stupid ass comp. class that I missed a few weeks ago. Lucky me I had to stop taking those pills and now it seems like I'm forever pmsing which is just as annoying for me as it is for everyone around me. Since I haven't got school till like 3 tomorrow I think I'm gonna have someone stay with me. I have the house all to myself tomorrow. Mom has to leave at like 8 in the morning to take Sophie to the hospital for something that has to do with her ears. Probly just more tests. When Sophie actually goes in for the implant i have to house sit. I finally get to do whatever I want for a whole day. Oh and I think I'm going to get my hair cut. It's gonna be really short all but he bangs and those will be put on the sides. I guess you'll see what I mean if I ever get it cut. I think I have leukemia but I don't know what all the warning signs are. I had a friend in Florida who had it and she had these little red dots on her skin that I have too and I realized last night that my skin is almost transparent. I can see most of the veins in my body. That is soooo weird. Well, I really don't have much to say soooo,
xoxoxoxoxox dawn

current mood: curious

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Monday, May 21st, 2001
11:57 am - I AM SO KINKYYYYYY
*BITES LIP* I FOUND OUT IM SOOOOO KINKY

current mood: horny

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Sunday, May 20th, 2001
6:10 pm - Come and get your appologies..........
im sorry ive lied to people,
im sorry im not perfect,
im sorry that ive made life hard for some people,
im sorry i can't be what people need me to be,
im sorry i haven't been there for some of you,
im sorry you ever had to meet me,
im sorry i was ever born,
im sorry that i wasn't closer to some people,
im sorry i let myself feel close to some people,
im sorry for the trouble people have gone for me,
and the trouble theywent through with me,
im sorry i can't make the world happy,
im sorry i can't make myself happy,
im sorry i fell in love with you brent,
im sorry i verbally attacted sarah,
im sorry im not as pretty as every other girl,
im sorry i get carried away,
im sorry im not a better friend,
im sorry im not a better daughter,
im sorry i don't have any personality,
im sorry im boring,
im sorry i don't act so sweet,
im sorry i have an attitude problem,
im sorry things didn't work out for pupil from the begining,
im sorry for everything i ever did to piss anyone off.

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